Luke Skywalker = Nom Nom Noms?

There's one thing I noticed watching through the (original) Star Wars trilogy - Luke Skywalker, our protagonist, "normal guy", and all-around Mark Hamill, sure gets eaten by a lot of crazy alien monsters. In every film of the trilogy, he gets kidnapped/trapped with/attacked by a hungry hungry creature. Let's review, shall we?

Episode IV: A New Hope

During their attempt to rescue the helpless Princess Leia, Luke, Han, and the gang, face a little bit of a problem. Pretty much all of the Death Star's Stormtroopers are coming up the lift and shooting at them. So, Princess Leia, using her powerful girl brain, decides to jump down the garbage chute. Wee!

It is in the garbage chute that a one-eyed, eel-like, penis-shaped (?) slithering garbage monster makes its appearance. It subsequently makes its choice of the four survivors apparently - between the seductive Princess and no doubt wholesome furry Wookie, it chooses for its snack Luke. The scrawny one. Maybe it got garbage in its eye... that would explain the redness. Regardless, the monster drags Luke under and starts to nom nom nom on his brains, until Han shoots the slimy bugger off him. Good thinking Han! You might hit Luke while you're at it! Yay!!

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

At the very beginning of the film, Luke is going for a no-doubt innocent stroll through the snow on his trusty snow-horse, when out of fucking no-where, a BLOOD HUNGRY MONSTER SHOWS UP AND DRAGS HIM OFF TO HIS LAIR!! Intense stuff!

In this lair, Luke is hung upside down, like cow meat in a freezer, as the Wompa eats Luke's snow-horse. Luke, ascared for his life, realizes his lightsaber is carefully placed, possibly by a stagehand, in the snow below him. So, using the Force like his old friend Obi-wan taught him, Luke pulls the lightsaber towards him like magic - just as the Wompa stands up and makes his way over so he can nom nom nom on his brains. A close shave indeed, Luke chops off his arm, and runs like a little bitch, away into the cold snow, where he faints. Why the Wompa stopped after losing his arm is beyond me, though it seems to be a running theme in Star Wars - get your arm chopped off, you die. It's only logical.

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

After a surprisingly epic mouth-off with the repulsive giant slug-thing, Jabba the Hutt, Luke goes too far, and shoots Jabba in the gut with a laser. Silly Luke! If he had owned the Star Wars collector cards (uh, like I never did? Would you buy that), he would know that Jabba is coated in a "slimy mucus-like coating, making him invulnerable to laser fire". As such, Jabba sends Luke into the Rancor pit - the Rancor being, you guessed it - another giant, hungry creature. We know it's hungry because the creature immediately nom nom noms some poor pig-faced Palace Guard as he tries to escape. Ah, such storytelling.

Luke has a close shave with this beast, pretending a bone of fallen Rancor prey is a lightsaber, and allowing himself to be lifted several inches from certain nom nom nom-related death before jamming the Rancor's mouth open with the bone. Great plan, Luke! Jam the monster's mouth OPEN! Why didn't I think of that. Silly Australians, they tape crocodile's mouths closed so they can't eat them. If they were as intelligent as you, Luke, they'd keep the mouths open instead. Then they wouldn't be at risk! Fantastic thinking! (If you can't tell by now, I am not fond of Luke. He's a tosser.) Luke kills the Rancor with a door, only be subjected once more to more potential nom nom nom-ing - by a giant butthole in the desert. Or is it a giant parrot's beak with tentacles? Whatever it is, it wants to nom nom nom him. It even nom nom noms Boba Fett! Oh the calamity!!

The conclusion...?

For some reason, giant monsters are really keen on nom nom nom-ing Luke. Perhaps it is because he is from Tatooine, and years of working in the hot suns have baked him to a delectable crisp, appealing to human-devouring monsters. Or maybe he sweats a lot, emitting a luring aroma which causes these blood-hungry aliens to salivate over the idea of eating him. Then there's the idea that Lucas just uses it as a plot device of appealing hero versus large creature, like all good Knights versus Dragon tales of olde.

Or, there's my favourite possibility - Luke Skywalker is a little bitch, and these monsters are doing everything in his power to make sure no-one ever has to listen to him complain, or watch him kiss his sister, again.

Take that, Luke, ya cocky bastard.